survival...

This post is primarily for mel, who requested more internship stories...So, after 10 weeks of working at a long term acute care hospital (for no pay mind you) here are some of my thoughts on life.

First of all, this is not where I want to be working, it is hard and sad and even though I feel like I usually have a pretty good head on my shoulders as far as balancing work/home... this has been especially hard for me. A lot of days, I come home feeling like a weight is hanging off of my shoulders. Not only because there are days when I feel like nothing I do matters to my patient's, but also because some days I end up feeling like life is unfair and ultimately miserable for most people. What do you do with that? Thankfully, I have a beautiful husband to come home to who cheers me up (and takes me to happy hour if needs be) and who reminds me that I am loved regardless of what job I have, or how my day goes. But still, I feel this weight pressing down on me. Everyday when I get to work, there is a chart that tells us who has been discharged/admitted/fallen and then expired... I don't like this part of my job. Its not that I don't like thinking about the fact that people die, because I know that its part of life. But its the fact that this has become so unsurprising to me. I don't like feeling apathetic about death, like is doesn't matter, its just one person to cross off of the daily list. But how do you work in this environment, where people frequently die, and not end up feeling this way? If you don't, then you wouldn't be able to get anything done, you'd be so heartbroken and discouraged that you'd never be able to contribute anything good. But I've struggled these last few months with finding a balance. Feeling compassion, but also being able to let go. I keep wondering why God has me here, what lesson am I supposed to be learning? I'm still really unsure, but I do feel stretched and most of the time in my spiritual life, this is a very good thing. I don't like it, or enjoy it, but its good, and I do believe that truth comes from struggling...

The second thing I've learned is that most people do not age gracefully. Especially people who are older and sick tend to be unpleasant and cold. They don't know how to find hope anymore and don't know how to see past their own circumstances. Then there are the rare few, like the 97 year old gentleman (because that is what he is) that I'm treating now, that have this unbelievable grace. I believe that these few are chosen specifically by God because being 97 and outliving not only your friends and spouse, but also your children is not something I would wish on anyone, yet these sweet few choose not to be bitter or hateful, but still kind and loving. I'm so thankful for these people who have lifted my spirits after a hard day or week of feeling useless and like I'm not making any difference at all. I pray and God would give me the strength to have a heart like this, so filled with His love that it overflows onto others even when I'm tired, even when I'm hurting, even if everyone I love has gone.

Anyways... just a few thoughts, sorry mel, these weren't exactly funny stories. I actually have a few really great ones right now, but they aren't exactly internet appropriate (too many bodily functions involved). I am looking forward to transitioning to Texas Children's Hospital in the next few weeks. In my mind, my days will be filled with smiles and hugs... but I know that sick kids have struggles too and I'm going to need more patience and grace than i can imagine. We'll see how it goes. I'll try to keep you guys updated. Thanks for listening... love love amb